iPod, half a burrito, hairbrush, goldfish, moon rock

A. They can all be found in a girl’s purse.

Purses are a complete mystery to most guys. Their purpose seems simple—you can carry and organize the stuff you need every day. But after that, I’m lost. You see, when I see a girl with a purse she’s usually frantically digging through it. And digging. And digging. (Many times while driving). This leads to my wondering: What’s really in there?

But it’s hard to really know, because guys are scared to look in purses. It’s as if by opening one you break some secret code and peer into a secret world.

If you think a guy is afraid to look into a purse, just watch him if he has to hold one. A guy will carry your books, your backpack, a 400-year-old pine tree or something actually ON FIRE before he’ll hold a purse. When I have to hold my wife, Sally’s, purse in a public place I become insta-nervous, try to cover it up or duck behind things, and my face looks like I just swallowed a tub of fish. It feels like everyone, including people flying overhead, are looking at me.

The Black Hole
I call Sally’s purse “the abyss.” Stuff gets put into it and may never come back. I’ve actually found a day old sandwich in there. There can be crumpled pieces of paper, clothing, fingernails, a fork—and that’s just the first layer.

Sally said her mom’s purse is filled with even more stuff: floss, a sewing kit, earplugs (you know, in case you just happen to walk by an explosion or a rock band), socks, sugar packets. She made me a list, which contained enough items for a small village to survive on a glacier for a week.

The amount of stuff found in a purse can only be matched by the number of compartments, zippers, dividers, pouches and pull out mini-purses. And if your purse isn’t big enough, there’s always a handbag. It’s basically a purse big enough for a microwave.

In Case of Emergency
Of course, purses are more than function—they’re fashion. Girls can have purses for different outfits, each season of the year, a lunar eclipse—almost any occasion. And for the price of some, you can buy your own pudding factory (my personal dream).

Guys don’t need purses. I don’t even know what we’d put in one: a football and a chunk of ham or something. But I can see how one could help in an emergency:

Rick: That pack of polar bears is coming right for us! What should we do?

Cory: (grabbing his mom’s purse) AHA! I’ll distract them with this sugar packet and these earplugs!

So purses may scare away polar bears, have secret agent compartments and hold a fish, which is awesome. But I still don’t understand all the stuff that ends up in them—or where most of my stuff ends up after Sally puts it in hers.