Although we were close — and I saw us marrying one day — we never considered attending the same college. I think we both wanted to explore life, meet other people, date others, but always assuming that in the end, we’d become Mr. and Mrs. Michael Smalley. All of this was unsaid, of course, because we were young and immature, but that’s how both of us felt.

So we went our separate ways. When I was a high school senior, Stacy, who was a grade ahead, flew off to Bethel College in St. Paul, Minn. The following year I headed for activity-rich Baylor University in Waco, Texas.

I had a good time from the first night I checked into Martin Hall, making friends, acting crazy and checking out the Dr Pepper Museum in downtown Waco. Because I was still interested in Stacy, I didn’t look around too much for anyone else to date.

Throughout my college years I kept in touch with Stacy by calling her every few months. Our relationship wasn’t serious, but I wanted to keep things going because I still thought she was The One.

Surprise, I’m Engaged!
Early in my junior year at Baylor, I received one of those periodic phone calls from Stacy.

“Hey, can I talk to you?” she asked in that perky way of hers.

“Sure. What’s going on?”

“Well, I wanted you to be the first to know.”

“Know what?”

“That I’m engaged.”

“Engaged? You’ve got to be kidding me!” I was shocked. “How did that happen?”

“Well, Mark and I met in a communication class last spring, and things moved pretty fast. Now we’re getting married.”

“I’m happy for you, Stacy.” I paused. “So are you calling me to find out how I feel about your getting engaged?”

“Well, I’m not sure exactly why I’m calling you.”

“To be totally honest, I’m shocked. I really thought we’d get married someday.”

For the longest time I heard total silence on the phone line. I knew what she was thinking: Great. Now I have two guys asking me to get married. “I didn’t expect this,” she whispered. “Yeah, I’m sorry, but I’m going to stick with this guy,” she said.

What was left to say except goodbye? When I returned the phone to its cradle, waves of devastation swept over me. I felt worthless, like a sack of trash tossed overboard. Her rejection was a real kick in the teeth.

Three Special Words
As horrible as I felt that day, I think it would’ve been far worse if I hadn’t maintained emotional boundaries in the dating relationship. You see, I’d never whispered to Stacy the three simple words: “I love you.”

Some of you may be thinking that if I’d said the words, maybe Stacy would’ve known how I felt about her and wouldn’t have dated someone else. I disagree. Stacy knew what I thought of her.

Based on how I treated Stacy, how I respected her and how I honored the relationship, she knew she was special to me and that we could have a future together. What helped with this commitment was that Stacy and I agreed about some fundamentals. We talked about saying “I love you.” She agreed that we should put boundaries on those words.

We agreed to that because I believe people use those three words far too casually. Too many young people start dating and the next thing you know, they’re locking eyes and saying, “I love you.”

Uttering that phrase is crossing an emotional boundary. Like toothpaste squeezed out of a tube, those words are impossible to put back in once they come out of your mouth. When you say, “I love you,” you’re acting like a married couple, and the reality is that you’re not married.

Which brings me to my point: I recommend that you don’t say, “I love you,” until you’re engaged. Some of you may think that is a foolish warning, but I’d like you to think about it seriously. After that prior relationship with Stacy, I waited until my wife, Amy, and I were officially engaged before I said, “I love you,” to her, and I don’t regret it.

If you’ve already spoken the “I love you” into the relationship, then the stakes have been raised sky high. All your emotional chips have been pushed to the center of the table. Where do you go from there?

And how are you going to feel if you get dumped? That’s when you think, But I thought you loved me! Yes, your dating partner said those words, and you believed them. And that’s why you hurt so much.

Love, Love, Love
I wish the English language were like Greek when it comes to the word love. The Greeks have four words for various kinds of love:

• storge, which refers to family love

• agape, which refers to unconditional, unselfish and undeserved love

• philia, which refers to friendship love

• eros, which refers to romantic love

The distinctions are not so clear in the English language. We use the same word — love — to describe everything from the pedestrian (“I love your eye shadow”) to the ultra serious (“I love you so much. Thanks for agreeing to marry me”).

Wouldn’t it be great if our language had separate words for various meanings? Then we could communicate to dating partners that we love them with a friendship love and possibly even with an unselfish, undeserved love.

Given the limitation of the English language, it’s hardly surprising that our culture has cheapened the use of the word love. Our media role models — actors and actresses in films and TV shows — say, “I love you” on the first date.

Even among friends, we yell out “Love you!” Let’s agree that the phrase has become shopworn, hackneyed and sucked dry of an emotional meaning, which is why my challenge to you is for you to wait until you’re engaged before saying “I love you” to the person you’ve pledged to marry.

So what should you say? Consider some of these phrases to say what you feel:

• “I care about you a lot.”

• “I like you a lot.”

• “You’re so special to me.”

• “You’re an incredible person.”

• “I really enjoy being with you.”

Those phrases convey positive emotion yet suggest that your feelings will continue to grow and mature.

Guard the Heart
by Amy Smalley
Girls, guard your hearts. We females are just as guilty for saying too much to a dating partner. Once we’ve shared our hearts by saying, “I love you,” we become emotionally bonded, whether we mean to or not. And when guys say, “I love you,” to us, we struggle with that because it affects our emotions.

We’re the more emotional creature of the two sexes. Men tend to think more logically and not as emotionally. We’re also more relational than guys. We’re always aware of where a relationship is, while guys can be clueless at times. When guys date, they’re aware of the immediate situation. And when females start to launch into a talk to define the relationship, guys are confused, thinking, Why do we have to talk about the relationship?

It wouldn’t hurt for you to build other emotional boundaries into your budding relationship as well. The first boundary is not spending too much time together; that’s for married couples.

You also push emotional boundaries by spending too much money on each other. Buying each other expensive gifts — or an extravagant “promise” ring — also promotes emotional bonding. If you do this, you can end up feeling as if you’ve backed each other into an emotional corner because you’ve “invested” too much money into the relationship for the other person to say he or she wants to break up.

A final word of advice: If you’re Instant Messaging with your beau, watch what you write as well. Words, as they say, mean things, and your typed-out words can carry extraordinary power. But typing “I love you” a zillion times can also water down the meaning of your sentiment.

It’s best to maintain a reserve — to keep some of your emotions in check. Don’t worry. If your relationship progresses to the altar, you’ll have plenty of opportunities to express your love to your spouse.

Excerpted from Don’t Date Naked: God’s Wardrobe for Successful Dating by Michael and Amy Smalley. Copyright 2003. Tyndale House Publishers. Used with permission.