Funny Things Do Happen to You
“A funny person is someone to whom funny things happen,” wrote comedian Steve Allen in his book, How to Be Funny: Discovering the Comic You. “It’s always the true stories that crack people up,” says Cherie Kerr, leading expert on public speaking and director of the improvisational comedy group, the Orange County Crazies. “The closer to the truth, the funnier it is.” That’s why stand-up comedians tell stories about themselves.

Maybe you don’t think anything funny ever happens to you. It does. You just need the right perspective. Most comedians’ humor springs from their pain and embarrassment. Suppose you run to the grocery store to get munchies for a party. You get in the shortest line and put your things on the conveyor belt. Suddenly the cashier yells at you and everyone stares. You discover you’re in the 12-item line with 15 items, and you feel like crawling under a rock. Pick up your ego and get a laugh out of the incident. Think that’s impossible? Keep reading.

Embellish Just a Little
Exaggerate and bring out the ridiculous. Here’s how:

“While in the grocery store, I use up all functioning brain cells trying to get the best variety of snacks on my meager budget. Then I mindlessly wander over to the shortest line and gape at the tabloids. One headline shouts, ‘Mermaid Babies Found!’

“As I heap my things onto the conveyor belt, I crane my neck hoping to actually catch someone buying the magazine. Who exactly reads those crazy tabloids anyway? Is it the 200-pound woman with brown-stained teeth, hair that’s bleached platinum except for two inches of dark roots and who’s wearing a T-shirt that says, ‘I’m with stupid’? No. She passes by. A guy picks one up. From behind, he looks familiar. He turns. It’s not . . . it is! It’s that cute guy from the other high school — the one I thought had the brains of Bill Gates under his Justin Timberlake looks.

“Disillusioned, I turn. The next thing I know, the cashier is shouting and waving her arms. Other cashiers rush in, people behind me glare and children run screaming to their mothers. Is there a fire? What’s she pointing at? A sign reading, ‘12 items or less.’ Aughh! I’ve committed the cardinal sin of grocery shopping by putting 15 items on the 12-item counter!”

Okay. Now you have a story, and you’ve blown it up. How can you tell it so people laugh? By using these five surefire strategies to telling a funny story: Energy, spontaneity, attitude, self-expression and timing. When you put these elements together, you’re sure to be funny.

Energy and Spontaneity
Energy and spontaneity have to do with the way you tell your story. If you’re talking in a monotonous voice, you’re saying, “I’m boring.” So liven it up with inflection. Let your voice say, “This is interesting.” How can you do that? By having an idea of what you want to say, but making it sound as though you’re telling the story off the cuff. Give your audience vivid details that’ll paint a picture in their minds. Describe the cashier as having bulging eyes, flaring nostrils and a wagging finger.

Attitude and Self-Expression
Attitude and self-expression are the way you present yourself. Deliver your story in a natural way. If you’re being sarcastic, let that be your underlying tone. Or maybe you’re the naive type with wide eyes and wonder in your voice.

If you’re telling a story with characters, use different voices and bodily expressions for each one. Act out the lady behind you. Cross your arms over your chest and glare. With a high-pitched whine, say, “Kids today! They can’t count because they got them new-fangled calculators. If the Good Lord meant for people to count with machines, He wouldn’t have given us fingers and toes.”

Timing
Timing is the use of pauses in the right places. Build your story as you go and gain momentum until the punch line. Always make sure the punch line is at the end of the story. “Think of the punch line like an island,” Cherie says. “There should be silence before and after it.” Pause after telling of the cashier’s strong reaction, then tell about your mistake. Had you noticed you were in the wrong line before the cashier reacted, it wouldn’t be as funny.

How ’Bout Them Jokes?
What if you want to tell a joke instead of a story? Here are tips on telling it effectively.

• Don’t preface it with “I heard the funniest thing.” Witty writer E.B. White said, “Nothing becomes funny by being labeled so. Don’t predict it; just tell it.”

• Memorize your jokes. If you start to tell it, but then say, “Who’s the chicken guy? No, not Col. Sanders; the other guy. Well, anyway, it doesn’t matter.” It does matter. If you stumble over the setup, you’ve already lost your audience’s attention. Besides, the joke is only funny when you know it was Tyson.

• Don’t give away the punch line. Surprise is an important element of humor.

• Don’t laugh at your own jokes. Comedians keep a straight face when they deliver punch lines. Remember to pause before and after the punch line.

• Exercise your sense of humor every day by seeing the funny in the frustrating. Write down the funny things you hear. Then tell your funny stories and jokes with the right elements, and you’ll soon hear laughter instead of groans.